THE
END OF TIME
Since
five o'clock she waited, awake, certain that someone would come this
morning.
Very
slowly she left her bed and walked to the window. Even before
opening the heavy curtains Julie knew what she would see. The
familiar figures walked purposely up the path towards the front door
of her town house.
Picking
up a robe from the foot of the bed she allowed her legs to
instinctively carry her to the landing and past the children's room.
Three year old David and his sister Kim were motionless. Kim will be
one in just thirteen days. Abruptly her stomach tightened at the
thought, panic threatened. Quickly and expertly she pushed the
feeling away as she descended the stairs. It surprised her how
effortlessly she managed to brush aside all thoughts and feelings
lately. Barring her emotions was becoming easier every day.
Once at the front door she didn't open it. Instead she stood
motionless in the dim hallway, delaying the inevitable. From
upstairs familiar sounds reached her. The children were awake.
Listening to their early morning mutterings was comforting today.
When
the knock came she jumped, even though it had been expected.
Standing very still, she waited, afraid to open the door.
Her life full of distractions made it easy to keep the truth at bay,
but the minute that door opened, reality would flood her life and
nothing will ever be the same again.
"Just a few more minutes, please" she begged silently.
By the time the second knock came Julie was ready. As she
reached for the door, her trembling hands were the only indication of
her emotions.
The
man and boy stood in the doorway, illuminated by the morning
sunshine. Julie opened the door wider.
"I'll
get the kids", she said, than turned and walked back upstairs,
leaving the two people standing in front of the open door.
Twenty
minutes later they were on the road, crammed into the small car. She
hated Volkswagens, than realised how insignificant that seemed today.
Their destination overshadowed all else.
She
pulled the children closer to her for comfort. Kim responded by
trying to wriggle her way out of Julie's grip, while David eyed her
with a puzzled look on his face. She kissed him gently on the
forehead and he responded with a smile.
The
man and boy sat silently in the front seat. Neither spoke. Vaguely
she wondered what they were thinking, than almost instantly regretted
her thought, grateful for their silence.
They
were nearing the end of the journey.
Why
was it that when you dread something, time was never on your side?
She remembered how as a child she had wished for time to hurry up and
pass in anticipation of a coming event, but it just dragged on. How
she wished time would drag today, in fact she wished today would just
stop, right now.
It
didn't, and now the car was stationery in front of the familiar
house. It looked so peaceful this early in the morning. The memory
of this house and this day will stay with her until eternity.
This
is not where she wanted to be but they were already standing in the
driveway.
David
sensing her apprehension took his mothers hand. Looking down at her
sons confused face she forced a smile, hoping to reassure him.
"Let
me carry Kim".
Startled
she turned to the boy reaching for the baby. Julie nodded and passed
Kim to her young brother.
Clutching
her sons tiny hand she followed the tall young man to the house. He
had been only twelve years old when she left home to get married.
Now at seventeen, she hardly knew him. Suddenly she wished they were
closer. The truth was there were many things that she wished were
different.
Once
on the porch, muffled voices reached them through the open door. A
cold sweat covered Julie's entire body. Than there was panic. She
wanted to snatch her babies and run from this awful place.
But
running was out of the question and she was overcome by helplessness.
Instantly
she recognised the familiar sensation. Helplessness she understood.
That was a feeling she had a lot of practice coping with. Yes,
hanging a vale over her feelings was easy. Who was there to tell how
she felt anyway. It was best to learn to cope alone.
The
middle-aged man was seated on the lounge with several people
surrounding him. When he saw Julie he called out her name. Someone
familiar was taking the children from her. She hugged them and than
quickly went to her father who was now gasping for breath. Grateful
to have something to do, she made herself useful and once again felt
her usual efficient and dependable self.
Taking
over the care of her father was easy. Absorbed in that she ignored
her own needs and latched onto his misery like a leach, afraid to let
go. She didn't want to feel, she just wanted to be needed. Her life
now depended on disregarding her emotions. She cannot lose control.
If her feelings were allowed to surface now, they would have to take
her away for a long time, that was a fact.
An
hour passed before they came. There was a commotion at the front
door, than they were in the house and almost touched her as they
passed by. Afraid, she didn't look up and went to the kitchen for a
glass of water.
Seated
at the dinning room table she drank, alone in this part of the house.
Everybody's attention was where she too should be.
The clock on the wall ticked loud and fast, time was running out.
Still she sat, frozen in the chair.
Two
sombre looking men in black suits carried the stretcher. She stared
at the thick black plastic covering the small shape, strapped tight,
as if escape were possible. The tears felt warm on her cheeks.
Still seated, she feebly reached out with one hand in the direction
of the stretcher.
"Mama", she whispered, and than they were gone.
The
clock was still ticking and she looked around, her vision blurred by
tears. Everything was still the same, everything, except her mother
was no longer part of time. At forty-seven, she was dead. Time
stopped for her at five minutes past five this morning.
From
faraway she heard her fathers whaling. Brushing away her tears she
stood up flooded with relief.
"Grief
has to wait, he needs me", Julie thought as she entered the
bedroom where her mother had died. It was safe to go in now.
The End
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